Funny Jokes, Naughty Jokes, Laughter,
Take  a break for Hilarious Jokes, just lots of Jokes.

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I have edited out the naughtier jokes I think.

Make the world laugh

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Smileys from Incredimail http://www.incredimail.com/english/splash.html 

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her one last question:

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""?

The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?

She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".

She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm – wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Twenty Eight"

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De Dar, Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De Dar Dar Dar, Dar De Dat Dar, Dar De Dar, Dar De Dar Dar Dar.

Brian Manchester

Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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‘Tell him, she whispers there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

Helston News and Advertiser Helston Cornwall 01326 565570

Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

with funny jokes

“Got stuck?” The lorry driver says, “No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.”

Helston News and Advertiser Helston Cornwall 01326 565570

Make the world laugh

with funny jokes

Make the world laugh

with funny jokes

Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

with funny jokes

Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

with funny jokes

Make the world laugh

with funny jokes

Make the world laugh

with funny jokes

Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

with funny jokes

Make the world laugh

with funny jokes

Make the world laugh

with funny jokes

Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

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Make the world laugh

with funny jokes

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes"?
The bartender confused, tell the duck that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes"?
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served. grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day the duck returns, but before he can say anything the bar tender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar".
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails"?
Confused, the bartender says "no".
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes"?
Helston News and Advertiser Helston Cornwall 01326 565570

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh the dog's leash goes slack".
Helston News and Advertiser Helston Cornwall 01326 565570

What do you call a legless call girl? cash and carry
Gregory

A man walks into a pub and says can I get a packet of crisps and a pint of larger; he drinks his pint and puts the packet of crisps on his head. The next day he walks into the pub and asks for another pint of lager and a packet of crisps, he drinks the pint and puts the packet of crisps on his head. The next day before the man comes in the barman says to himself, I am going to say there are no crisps left to see what he does now. So he walks in and says can I get a pint of lager and a packet of crisps. The barman says there are no crisps left sorry so instead he asks for a pie. He drinks the pint and puts the pie on his head. The barman says right you why do you have a pie on your head? and the man replies because there are no packets of crisps left!!!
Cairnsy

Why did god create men before women? he wanted to start of with something simple
Charlotte.

A man and woman walk down the street and see a magic lamp, the man picks it up and rubs it and a genie pops out. the genie says "you have 3 wishes but be warned what ever you wish for your wife will get better" so the man wishes for 10 million pounds the genie says "yes, but your wife will get 20 million pounds" so he wishes to be good at golf so the genie says "yes but your wife will be better" and then the man says "any chance of a mild heart attack"
Robert Marshall

A boy walks up to his mum and says mum is it wrong to have a willy the mum says no why and he replies because dads sweating like hell trying to pull his off
Nathan Slomczynski

Mick fell down a mine shaft, 100 foot straight down, Paddy shout's Mick have you broken anything, Mick shout's, it's ok Paddy, their's nothing down here .
Paul Mcgarvey

What does viagara have in common with Disney world? It takes an hour for a one minute ride!
Anonymous

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam.
They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
J B Cartland Brighton

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker 'Dustbuster'. 
The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more 
usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
J. T. Thropton

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping 
your chin into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens Birmingham

X Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking 
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the 
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Sam Neffendorf Weybridge

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest 
makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at 
cocktail parties.
L Traintu Clarkesville

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. 
It gives any cocktail a bit of 'oomph'.
James Francis East Glamorgan Hospital

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires
and werewolves by hiding under the covers.
Charles Holley Newcastle

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop 
stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms. G. M. Dowd Wigan

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each 
pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry 
and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
P.Turner Liverpool L17

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of 
wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
D. Treloar Wandsworth

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate 
at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson Skipton

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering 
any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey Liverpool

Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of 
cling film and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes Middlesex

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
P.J. Ruddock London

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply 
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY Lincoln

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and
about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers.
In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson Manchester

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. 
Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger Fulchester

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot 
cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mrs M Growitt Birmingham

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus 
arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Sgt. R. J. Crowe 662 Squadron. Germany

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever 
you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or 
two plastic buckets.
D. Griffiths Kent

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and 
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, 
or set fire to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn Rotherham

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to 
the tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you 
can have sex without waking her up.
Frank Wilson Southend

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because 
you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly 
with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Daphnie Treloar Cardiff

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, 
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm 
style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
D Thresher Wapping

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen 
chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.
B Reastford Iranville, Notts

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an 
ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud 
explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
N. Burke Manchester

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches 
if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready 
for use in such emergencies.
Mrs D Bibby Rugby

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the 
direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case 
a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
D. Rogers Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East 
country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British Government advice 
to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs 
start going off and there aren't any planes home.
S Goblin Middlesex

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head 
stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
Kate Emblen Uxbridge

 Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P Raker Chatham

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line.
This can then be worn around the neck.
B Morgan Criccieth

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one
and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D Duckham Didford

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.
Mr T. Eebly Warstead

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
P Loft Gateshead

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.
The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time
you have completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Mike Grey Essex

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
T.C. Jackson York

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that 'wolfy' feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
J. Bradley. Beeston, Notts

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
A. Sharp. Birmingham

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making
'blinkers' out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.
Fanny Cyclops. South Norwood.

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Nick Jeggo. Adbaston, Staffs.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure
you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Fanny Cyclops. South Norwood

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery
operated cassette player during a powercut.
Howard Urmenyl Amersham. Leo Sayer country.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror. Hastings

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball.
I. K. Brunel. Bristol

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn 
back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
C. Custer. Little Bighorn

Play 'Moth Aircraft Carriers' by floating a shoe box in the bath with a 
torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the 
room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.
Neil Davis. e-mail.

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini 'High Chaparral' style branding irons.
J.T. Thropton.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled 
with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Sister S. Berwick. Blackrod.

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by 'War Of The Worlds'
style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes.
J.T. Thropton.

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down 
the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in 
your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
Simone Glover. Tottenham

When buying toilet tissue, I always unwind each roll carefully and number
the sheets individually using a biro or felt tip pen.
Mrs Howard, Bingley.

Don't answer your front door. It could be burglars.
Mr F. Corsair, Bridgenorth

Smuggle whisky out of the house by pouring it down the sink and
collecting it in a saucepan under the drain pipe.
Steven Pearlman, Soapdish, Hants.

Avoid embarrassment after tripping in the street by repeating the
movement several times to make it seem like part of your normal
behaviour.
B. Sweeney, Cove road

If the driver behind is too close, simply pull on the handbrake, this will not
activate your brake lights and he will have no warning that you are about
to stop. Watch his face in your rear view mirror as his cars slams into the
back of you.

D. Campbell, Cambridge.

Transform your garden into a Eurodisney style theme park by charging
your neighbour £20 to get in, £5 for an icecream and then make him wait
4 hours for a ride on your lawnmower.

S. Tempest, Plymouth.

Make edible jumpers for gingerbread men by simply knitting spaghetti
with chopsticks.
Mrs LH, Surrey.

Hollowed out raviloli make ideal mittens for gingerbread men.
Mrs LH, Surrey.

Two spaghetti hoops make an ideal pair of reading glasses for
gingerbread men.
Mrs LH, Surrey.

Two pieces of macaroni stuck together would make an ideal pair of
binoculars for any little gingerbread men who express an interest in
ornithology.
Mrs LH, Surrey.

Apply first aid to injured gingerbread men by dressing any cuts or
scrapes in taglitelle bandages.
Mrs LH, Surrey.

Snip the tails off several hundred tadpoles using nail scissors to make
tasty and cheap caviar substitute.
D. Tanby, Thornby.

If you foul the air in someone else's bathroom, disguise the smell by
lighting a match and setting fire to a handtowel.
Mrs D. Parkinson, Billericay

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Make the
child drink as many hot drinks as possible such as tea or coffee and
within minutes the blockage will have simply melted away.

Mr R.S. Head, Durham.

 Don't write you PIN number on the back of your cash card because you
won't be able to read it once you've put it in the machine.
William Quibble, Fyfield

Students. When visiting the cinema ensure that a long queue has
formed behind you and that the cashier has already issued a full price
ticket before you ask for a student discount.

A cinema manager, Berkshire
P.S. Oh, and while you're at it, don't forget to pay with a fucking credit
card.

Popping two 'Alka Seltzer' tablets into a newly opened can of beer has
exactly the same effect as a 'widget', and has the added advantage of
preventing hangovers.

C. Atkinson, Windsor

Indecisive about commiting suicide? Then hang yourself with a bungee
rope.

Peter Carl Fenwick, Beamish

Weedy fellas. Develop a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger in a
matter of weeks by investing in the latest workout by Cindy Crawford.
B.Beater, St Annes

Winkle shells make ideal turbans for field mice requiring an exotic look.

John Tait, Thropton

Fellas. A fun way to keep warm on cold winter nights is to fill your
inflatable sex doll with hot water.

Pete Turner, Garston

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind 
your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping 
occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's 
house.  

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an 
upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to 
their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a 
couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls. 

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, 
remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. 
Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road 
every time you have a minor accident.  

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by 
smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.  

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of 
whisky. The following morning you can create the effects 
of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up 
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.  

Save money on expensive personalised car number 
plates by simply changing your name to match your 
existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,  

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by 
phoning her up and telling her. 

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus 
arriving fully refreshed and on time.  

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl 
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an 
amusing manner.  

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken 
anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. 
B. Johnson, Canada 

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat 
by simply pissing in the sink. 

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice 
bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about 
how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like 
the real thing', they won't know any difference.  

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since 
you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary 
requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice 
steak. 

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take 
your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, 
call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay 
mounted' for 

HIGH blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut
yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins
N. Rodwell
Herne Bay, Kent

DOG owners. Give passers by the impression that
your dog is well trained by ordering it to do
whatever it happens to be doing already.
J. Kay
Elem, N.P.

I'VE just seen a film where, after a plane crashed
in some mountains, the passengers had to eat each
other in order to survive. All well and good, but
what do the airlines expect vegetarians like myself
to do in similar circumstances? Could scientists
clone 'vegetable people', I wonder, a few of whom
could travel on every flight to provide a vegetarian
alternative to cannibalism in case of disaster.
E. Mullion
Haymarket, Edinburgh

WHEN out on the piss take a picture of your mum and dad
in your wallet. It makes a handy 'drunk-o-meter' to gauge
when you've had too much. When you start to fancy your mum,
stop chatting up the girls. Don't even look at them.
If you start to fancy your dad, leave the pub and catch
the first bus home. (This is not advisable if you live
with your parents).
Jim Wood
Isle of Arran

MUMS. A strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of
children's shoes allows them to be towed effortlessly
around supermarkets.
J. Tait
Thropton

FOR many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing
ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it 
embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical -
leg warmers. As a pensioner saving money and staying warm 
are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler
and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.
Mr A. Cream
Rotherham

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries,
sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of
black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats
in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on
their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.
R. Crosbie
Cheltenham

STOP birds nesting in your garden by collecting all the twigs
and moss in your neighbourhood and hiding it in your garden shed.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

STOP squirrels and birds taking food from your bird table by
placing the food inside a biscuit tin, and securing the lid with
heavy duty tape.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

PREVENT bees and butterflies stealing your pollen by enclosing
each flower head in a plastic bag securely fastened around
the stem with a clothes pin.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

DISAPPOINT wasps this summer by smearing cold tea on your
ears instead of honey.
P. Reaney
Rothwell

REVIVE dying moths by placing them on a small droplet
of sugary water.
C. Coup
Basildon

EMPTY cereal packets make ideal holders for old toilet roll tubes and 
milk bottle tops which one should never throw away as they are most 
handy, and have a variety of uses.
Mrs A. Ellis
Wrexham 

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This 
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be 
used for shopping lists.
Mrs P. Hamilton
Arbroath 

READERS with old or perished hot water bottles may, after filling, wish 
to leave the problem bottle in the sink or bath and so reduce the risk 
of damp bedclothes.
Mr P. Iopling
Bracknell 

WHEN buying toilet tissue I always unwind each roll carefully and 
number the sheets individually using a Biro or felt-tipped pen. 
Mrs Howard 
Bingley 

MY husband and I save pounds every year on household wear and tear 
by living in a tent in the garden.
Mrs. I. Stokes 
Potters Bar

HANG a Cornflakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of 
your house. Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass 
through will remind you to close the door behind you.
Mrs A. Ellis 
Wrexham

WEIGH toilet rolls on your kitchen scales and record their weight after 
each visit to the toilet. On each occasion deduct the new weight from 
their previous weight. The figure remaining will be the exact weight of 
toilet tissue which you have used on that particular 'visit'. 
Mrs Howard
Bingley

STOP nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by 
stealthily crawling around the house on all fours.
D. E. Blancharde 
Fragsthorpe

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. 
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Mrs K. Smith 
Bristol

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
P Bonball (14) - Hull

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
Ms A Stool, Toseland, Cambs

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough
to insulate your loft.
U Bend - Oldchester

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem
cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
S Fong - Leamington Spa

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
G Cheeseman - Ely

BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. 
Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing 
their channel using your identical remote control.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the 
fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into 
thinking you have won the Lottery. 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. 

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket 
of air over any that you catch in the act. 

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the 
stuff straight down the pan. 

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, 
eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus. 

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply 
lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. 

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane 
to drive in is the LEFT flipping one.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. 
This will allow you to check that the light goes off when 
the door is closed. 

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing 
his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock. 

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house 
and walking around wearing a miner's hat. 

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid 
for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket. 

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. 
Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. 

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. 
This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can 
later be used for shopping lists. 

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a 
handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably 
passers-by will think you've broken down and help. 

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found 
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 
12 pounds in only 2 days. 

WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, 
or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably 
tend to turn whilst in the air. 

AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the 
wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your 
indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck 
you're going. 

PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go 
for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window. 

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats. 

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage. 

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see 
which items you have recently run out of. 

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully 
checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light 
before accepting them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a 
charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. 
This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think. 

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove 
the dirt by simply peeling it off. 

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper 
alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. 
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting 
varnish should be selected). 

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly.
This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly. 

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a 
stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken 
glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. 

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. 
They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. 

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. 
The following morning you can create the effects of a 
hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up 
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by 
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. 

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands 
under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every 
time you want to speak. 

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their 
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking. 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home 
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, 
then urinating into it, before jumping in. 

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your 
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering 
wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus 
chatting casually to the passengers.

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. 
NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, 
as well as fun-sized ones for giants.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 
'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. 
This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make 
a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of 
getting the job.
W Wonka, Southampton

Don't waste money on expensive telephone answering machines. When 
you leave the house simply plug the phone into your video recorder. 
Not only will it record the callers voice, but you will also get a 
picture of them speaking, probably. 

Transform your garage into a drive-thru restaurant by sitting in 
your car, lowering your window and demanding that your wife brings 
you a cup of tea, on roller skates. 

Save electricity on freezing winter nights simply by unplugging 
your fridge and placing the contents on your doorstep. 

Help the local police by popping into the mortuary every day to 
see if you can identify any of the bodies. 

Fill a Shredded Wheat with pink soap and, hey presto - an inexpensive 
Steelo soap pad. 

Save money on expensive earrings by sticking mentos or sugared 
almonds to your ear with blue-tac. 

Fumes from burning settees can be lethal, so before sitting down 
always look around and plan your escape route in the event of a fire.

Hey vegetarians - make your veggie burgers go further 
by adding a pound of mince to them. 
Yankee Dougal from Tulsa, Oklahoma

Stop flies landing on your dinner by strategically placing a pile of 
poo on the dinner table. The flies will be so busy munching on the 
faeces they will leave you to enjoy your meal.

Repair broken light bulbs by replacing the old glass with a partly 
inflated white balloon. Put it in the freezer to make it go hard.
K Black, Alnwick

Get extra shine from your light bulbs without even changing them. 
Simply rewire them with thicker flex thus allowing much more electricity 
into the bulb.
K Black, Alnwick

Cut electricity bills in half by changing the flex on all your electrical 
appliances for a much thinner one which will only allow half of the 
electricity through.
K Black, Alnwick

Road rage drivers. Settle your dispute honourably by removing your car 
aerials and having a fencing duel. The aerials will retract if they hit 
a solid object, thus preventing serious injury.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, 
sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and 
driving the wrong way up oneway streets.

Lorry drivers. Keep your indicator on for half an hour after each 
manoeuvre in order to keep us car drivers on our toes.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly 
maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Car tyres painted white and wrapped in green tarpaulin sheets make ideal 
packets of Polos for short sighted giants.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a "SHRINKING" device by 
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a 
JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker 
the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, 
with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Why pay £200 for a skip? Buy a clapped out, untaxed car for £25 and 
fill it with all your rubbish. Then sit back and wait for the 
authorities to tow it away.

Make squash more exciting by using tennis racquets and a golf ball.
Mr A Sheik - St. Neots